Life, the Universe, and the Marathon Bombing

It's hard to believe that it's been nearly two years since I last posted anything. I could say it's because I didn't have anything to post - which is partly true - but really, I always have something to say. I'd just convinced myself no one cared enough to read it, so why bother?

Well, that stops here.

Life is funny. It's not until something like the bombings at the Boston Marathon happens that most of us really give a thought to how fragile our existence really is. And yet, millions of people the world over live with the constant threat of violence - in war-torn countries, in regions of geopolitical unrest, hell, just in neighborhoods where the crime rate outnumbers the good guys - so why is it that we're constantly surprised by "higher-profile" events like the Marathon?

Our capacity for doing harm to one another continuously shocks me. I have trouble squashing ants in the bathroom; it's inconceivable to me how someone could deliberately plan an action designed to cause harm - even death - to other humans. It's comfortable to think that actions like the Marathon bombing are carried out by inhuman monsters; by people so brainwashed by evil that they're unrecognizable to us. But is that really true?

Over 200 years ago, when America fought for its independence from Britain, America was roundly criticized for not adhering to the "conventions of military engagement." Our forces were so outmanned and outgunned that our strategists resorted to what amounted to guerilla warfare - sneak attacks, ambushes, suicide missions - in order to emerge victorious. If Britain had won, do you think the original colonists would have been called "terrorists" by the history books? Although, the argument must be made that at least the American forces concentrated on military targets - unlike today's terrorists - but is any loss of life ever truly justified?

An extreme example, I grant you - but sadly, today's world is full of less extreme examples, if you care to illustrate the point in more subtly varying shades of grey. Darfur. Somalia. The West Bank.

This is not an apologist post on behalf of the misguided souls who cause this harm. I'm not looking to justify or rationalize the suicide bombers, radicals, or jihadists.

All I'm asking for is that we remember that we are all human. We are all connected. Causing harm to any living soul brings harm to ourselves.

When we are hurt, we can - and should - stand up and defend ourselves. But there's a world of difference between defending oneself from attack and picking fights with half the planet.

If there is one thing that I have learned in my life, it is that we have a very long way to go in our quest for peace, for evolution and advancement. We are still so focused on 'an eye for an eye' that we have lost sight of the fact that when we descend to revenge and hatred, we become the very thing we claim to be fighting against. We have been hurt, and so we lash out blindly at those who hurt us, hurting other innocent people in the process... which creates more hurt, angry people, lashing out in all directions... and the cycle continues.

An eye for an eye, until everyone is blind.

The child left orphaned today by a stray missile could well become tomorrow's suicide bomber. The husband left widowed and childless could turn his grief to rage in the span of heartbeats. These are not inhuman monsters. These are people, like you and I, who have been convinced - through pain, through grief, through religious fervour, through mental imbalance, through any number of channels - that the only path left to them is death and destruction. That the only choices involve how much damage to inflict, and whether they expect to live through it.

In that context, it becomes a little easier to imagine how someone could decide to hijack a jetliner, or build an IED out of a Crockpot. It gets no easier to understand - but then, emotions aren't logical. They can't ever truly be understood, only experienced. They are visceral, chimeric; they overwhelm reason.

I scan the world news each day and weep for the innocent lives lost. I pray, every day, for a future where such carnage is inconceivable. That we will choose to reach out with a healing touch, rather than an angry fist. That we will inspire kindness and compassion, instead of revenge and hatred.

Dare to imagine this world with me.

You may say I'm a dreamer,
but I'm not the only one.
I hope one day you'll join us,
and the world will live as one.
~~ John Lennon, 1971

Another Year, Another Gift

This has been a hectic year, as I try to regain the ground I lost whilst I was sick. I've been writing a lot, although most of it is not ready for public consumption yet. I have over 80k of a work of fiction that I'm in the process of editing. Hopefully it's not utter nonsense.

I also have been doing a *lot* of theatre. 6 shows in 6 months, to be precise. February: Love Letters. March: Crimes of the Heart. April: The Vagina Monologues. May: Present Laughter. June: MOMologues. July: Sylvia. (Yes, I am insane. There are 12-step programs out there, but who has the time?)

So between theatre, writing and my newfound Twitter obsession (seriously, idek), blogging and photography have taken a bit of a backseat the past year. However, now that summer is upon us and I have a new camera zoom lens in hand, I expect that to change. I've already been shooting the flowers in the yard, so it's only a matter of time before I start dragging the camera with me everywhere.

Although, the more time I spend out in the world again, the less patience I have for my fellow denizens of humanity. Seriously, is it so hard to behave respectfully and courteously towards other people? Is it truly too much to ask that we all treat each other well?

Perfect example: I did a show this past weekend. It's summer, which means it's tourist season, which means parking is ... difficult. There's a pay-and-display lot across from the theatre, where you pre-pay at the station and get a receipt to display on your dashboard. It's a little confusing, because you have to choose how much time you want first, THEN insert the payment, then get your receipt. I watched the couple in front of me - a guy in his 50s with a 30-yr-old trophy wife in 4"heels - put a quarter in first and get a receipt for 30 minutes. They were about to do that again - which would have meant another 30-minute receipt for the same time frame, and probably a parking ticket, because it's tourist season - so I politely stopped them and showed them how the machine worked. The wife completely ignored me (as in, wouldn't even look at me) and the guy made some nasty comment about the town and how backward everything was. They got their parking receipt and stalked away without another word to me - not even a thank you.

Seriously?

It just got me mad. I could have let you keep feeding money into that meter, and you would have gotten a parking ticket. I was polite and went out of my way to help you, a perfect stranger, and you don't have the common courtesy to say Thank You??

I could list a dozen examples just like that, from just the last week, but I am tried of being surrounded by so much negativity. I want kindness and manners in my life. And I think I've finally decided, once and for all, that if you treat me poorly with no reasonable excuse, I am simply no longer going to allow you into my life. I mean, we all have bad days, myself included, but it shouldn't be our "normal" interaction. So if it is, be warned: your days of pushing me around are OVER.

That's not to say that I will stop trying to be kind and helpful to people I encounter, nor that I will meet rudeness with rudeness. However, I have no intention of being the Universe's doormat forever. Those days are gone.

I have been thinking a lot about my past, and everything that has happened to get me to this point in my life. It's not where I wanted to be, but all things considered, I think I've done pretty well. I have a good job, decent salary, I'm able to provide for my family, keeping a roof over our heads, along with some basic "extras" like cable, wifi and replacement windows. Things will never be easy, and the weight of the world will always be on my shoulders, but so far, we're managing. And that's more than a lot of people can say.

Rambling post is rambling, but basically, I suppose my message is this: be kind to each other. Treat people as you wish you'd be treated. If we all did that, the world would be a far better place. If you can give someone a helping hand, you should. What seems like a small and insignificant gesture to you, may be the thing that keeps hope alive for someone else. You just never know.

And conversely, the nasty comment you thoughtlessly throw at someone in a parking lot, might be the final straw that convinces them that none of this is worth it...

... I certainly wouldn't want that on my conscience.

Waves Breaking off Brenton Point, Newport, RI.  14-November-2010.
(click for full-size image)

Playing catchup

It's been a shamefully long time since I've posted any content here.  I've been busy with my writing over at Livejournal, and apparently I only have so much creative force within me at once. ;)  I went on vacation, and when I got back went straight into tech week for the show I was producing; had a two-week run, wrapped and struck on Sunday 6/13 and began rehearsals for my next show on Monday 6/14.  My energy levels are limited, although they are getting better, so I find myself really having to pay attention to what's on the to-do list and to prioritize what HAS to be done versus what I'd like to get done.  It's frustrating, but I just hope things continue to get better.  I think about where I was a year ago, and I can see the improvement. It's just not as fast as I'd like.

A year ago, I was less than two weeks out of surgery for the cancer.  I couldn't sit up for more than 20-30 minutes at a time, for the most part.  I slept on the sofa because walking down the hall to the bedroom was too much for me. I was having horrific tetany symptoms, because my parathyroid wasn't working but the doctors kept trying to wean me off the calcium/vit D regimen. It was good times.

3 weeks out from the surgery was the wedding of a very good friend of mine.  I wasn't cleared to drive and wouldn't have had the stamina anyway, and a dear friend gave up his entire weekend to drive me to CT for the wedding, stay overnight so I could rest, and stop for a few hours at a family party on the way home.  Through the whole weekend he was at my side, ready with a steadying hand or a smile, and he will never, ever know how much that meant to me.  I've tried to tell him, but there really aren't words for it.

4 weeks out of surgery I bought my first home.  I was completely taken advantage of on a couple of different issues, but I'm trusting in the Universe to help me find a resolution. 

8 weeks out of surgery, terrified that permanent damage had been done to my vocal chords and singing ability, I agreed to be a minstrel in the summer Shakespeare. I made it through, and except for one night I botched a whistle reel because I was in too much pain to concentrate, I think no one could really tell I was sick. Of course, that same friend who took me to the wedding was also a minstrel, and now he will say things like "Don't you remember last year at Shakespeare when X happened?" and I have to remind him that I mostly spent the entire run telling myself "don't pass out, don't pass out, don't pass out, whatever you do."

And then, of course, another 4 weeks or so after that I began the radiation treatments. Those wiped me out almost as much as the surgery had - I spent my isolation week laying on the sofa and when I felt up to it I would prop myself up with pillows and read Harry Potter books.  I reread the entire 7 book series in that week.  It's not clear whether I'll have to have more radiation.  I have a nuclear scan scheduled for the fall, when I will be given a small dose of radiation (about 1/50th of what I was given in treatment) and then be somewhat isolated (I haven't gotten the procedures yet; I think I just have to stay away from kids and pregnant women) for a few days and return for an imaging study which will show if anything that was left has grown since last year.  I had a similar scan done after the initial radiation treatment, and it was not fun.  Plus I have to do the low-iodine prep diet for 3 weeks with it, which means no seafood, no dairy, no processed foods, nothing with red dye in it, blah blah blah.  The worst part? No sushi from now until after the scan. =(

 But, I'm alive and my prognosis continues to be "excellent."  I may be frustrated by my lack of energy, but I'm doing better than a lot of people with cancer. And for that, I am grateful.  Even if all I did in this post, mostly, was kvetch.

But as the day of the Summer Solstice draws to a close, I wanted to take a look back at what has been an incredibly difficult, amazing, humbling, moving, insane year.

And to thank the Universe and the Spirit for giving me another year.  I promise to make the most of it.

A Rare Political Diatribe

I belong to several industry listservs, one of which is dedicated to political discussion (supposedly as it pertains to healthcare). I have been disheartened to see that the majority of people who post regularly are staunch conservative Republicans, spouting anti-Obama rhetoric at every opportunity, praising the Tea Baggers, and crying foul the moment anyone challenges anything they post.  This morning's digest contained a number of references to "Obama and his socialist cronies," among other things.


While it's not worth it for me to wade into the fray in my industry (where I am known, and where my own political leanings and beliefs do not mesh with those of my employers), I very nearly did post this response to that listserv - I actually hit "post" and then had a change of heart and deleted it before the moderators could approve it.
But then I found that I still felt like I needed to say it SOMEWHERE - so here it is.

A political party "spinning" dissent about their policies is not unique to the Obama administration.  Nor is working with the media to slant what information is presented, or to withhold information altogether.

Just in recent memory? The anti-war protests during the Bush administration? There were HUGE protests in NYC and DC. Minimal news coverage. Those who expressed anti-war sentiments in the media were blacklisted (Dixie Chicks? Bill Maher?) and the country was basically told: "If you're not with us, you're against us." I saw a huge resurgence in "America: Love it or Leave it" bumper stickers - and we were right back to where we were during the Vietnam-era protests, the Korea-era protests, the Gulf War-era protests.... Do I need to keep going? So, don't place all the blame on "Obama and his socialist cronies" - it's both sides of the aisle doing the hush jobs.

Do I think that the Tea Baggers have a few screws loose? Yup. Do I think that Obama is the second coming? Nope. Do I think Glenn Beck needs to be banned from the airwaves? You betcha. Do I read the Huffington Post? Not on your life.

Partisan politics have degenerated so far that we can't even have useful dialogue anymore. It's name calling and mudslinging from all sides. That's NOT free speech. It's NONSENSE.

The freedom of expression and the right to dissent against our government are two of our most valuable freedoms, which many people have died to protect over the last 2+ centuries. As has been ably pointed out, many people in other countries suffer greatly because they lack these freedoms.

Maybe, if we all take a deep breath and try to express our opinions calmly and rationally, without name calling, rhetoric or insults, we all might find that we want many of the same things from our government, and from our country.

Or maybe we'll begin to realize that nearly all the political rhetoric being thrown around are simply "tales told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." (Shakespeare)

Haiku for a Lily

Stargazer. undated photo, but taken between February 2009 and now.

Haiku for a lily

curving petals soft

vibrant crimson streaks the pink

dawn precedes the light.

The forecast is for cold temperatures, grey skies, rain & snow showers with moderate winds.  Happy Spring!

Yellow Gerbera Daisy, 2009.